My dad just called and said he did something stupid. He gave somebody my phone number.

A year ago, I gave my brother’s eulogy in front of some 200 people. Several people came up to me after to say what a nice job I had done and I thought they were all full of shit since I just made it up on the spot.

Today, my dad calls to say that an old family friend had called him. She said she had a “leech” of a brother who lived next door and she couldn’t stand him. But after hearing what I said, she told my dad I literally “changed her life.” Now she has a whole new perspective on life. 

Apparently one of her friends recently lost a brother (keep in mind these people are my parent’s age) and to get some perspective, these two women want to talk to me on the phone. Because I’m now the Dead Brother sensei.

The weirdest part is I have no clue what I said two change people’s lives.

Guys, I dated a guy who wore a Livestrong bracelet. Not ironically. In 2010. And HE dumped ME.

Researching car insurance AND trying to file taxes now that my parents decided I’m old enough to do it on my own.

Researching car insurance AND trying to file taxes now that my parents decided I’m old enough to do it on my own.

One time, at work, I brought in cookies. Everybody loved them. Everybody was like “my god, did you make these? These are so good!”

And I did make them. Only they came in a bag and I just added the eggs and water. And then baked them. So did I really “make them”? I don’t know. But I’m living a lie.

I used to be a drinking professional. Now I can’t even drink one beer without shitting my pants.

I used to be a drinking professional. Now I can’t even drink one beer without shitting my pants.

Whoever invented this cake in a mug thing… holy shit what have you done to me?!

Get black out drunk every time Obama makes a joke funnier than an entire episode of “Whitney.”

I can’t fly anymore. I almost pooped my pants twice on the way home from Denver.

I also need to stop googling “what seat is best to survive a plane crash?” when my seat is already assigned.

Colorado. Fuck yeah.

Colorado. Fuck yeah.