January 2012
24 posts
Guys, I dated a guy who wore a Livestrong...
Jan 28th
12 notes
Jan 27th
17 notes
One time, at work, I brought in cookies. Everybody...
And I did make them. Only they came in a bag and I just added the eggs and water. And then baked them. So did I really “make them”? I don’t know. But I’m living a lie.
Jan 27th
13 notes
2 tags
Jan 26th
14 notes
Whoever invented this cake in a mug thing... holy...
Jan 26th
6 notes
2 tags
Get black out drunk every time Obama makes a joke...
Jan 25th
12 notes
I can't fly anymore. I almost pooped my pants...
I also need to stop googling “what seat is best to survive a plane crash?” when my seat is already assigned.
Jan 23rd
7 notes
Jan 22nd
12 notes
I'm not the only person who feels, like, the best...
Jan 18th
14 notes
Jan 15th
15 notes
Jan 14th
18 notes
1 tag
If I had to name just one thing I love about me,...
My colon knows its job.
Jan 14th
12 notes
I just took the most epic nap of my entire life....
I may as well have been blackout drunk or something.
Jan 13th
5 notes
1 tag
Jan 12th
10 notes
What's a non creepy way to say, "hey, ex...
Because maybe I had a mid-life crisis my senior year of college and just totally dicked this guy over three ways to Sunday. But he was nice! And I apologized for ever yelling at him “you’re not my dad!” when he tried to hold my hair back as I puked.
Jan 11th
12 notes
I MISSED YOU TUMBLR. CAN I COME BACK? I CAME BACK....
Jan 11th
7 notes
Let's all have a moment of silence to think about...
Jan 10th
19 notes
1 tag
So I just found out this Friday was going to be my...
My mom’s flying me home on Friday for the funeral and in the mean time, I’m sitting on my couch watching Teen Mom and doing work from home.  At least I have queso. And fritos.
Jan 10th
6 notes
Let this be a lesson to you: anytime you leave...
This time, it’s my grandpa. And I know everybody has to go through this sometime, but I just can’t. I’ve grieved all I can grieve. I am still grieving. I have no more grieving left to give. This time I’ll feel nothing. I’m supposed to get 3 days off work for a death in the family, but I can’t. I can’t not do work. I don’t have the time to not do...
Jan 10th
20 notes
Not pooping before work is like... anxiety code...
What if I have to poop at work? What if somebody comes to check on me? What if it won’t go down? OH THE POSSIBILITIES.
Jan 9th
14 notes
1 tag
This is the story of a girl and a block of...
Jan 8th
15 notes
Last night, I made my first gay couple friends in...
They came over for lasagna and drinking games. And then my co-worker’s boyfriend (did I mention one of them is a co-worker?) and my boyfriend ran off to the gay bar until 3am while we went to sleep like high school kids. Can’t wait to talk about this at the water cooler. Except there’s no water cooler, so I really mean through email.
Jan 8th
10 notes
I think I'd find pizza commercials more appealing...
Jan 7th
5 notes
1 tag
I'd be better at Tumblr-ing while working if I...
Oh you want me to do what? Some report? BIGGEST SIGH EVER, HANG ON. MY EYE IS TWITCHING. DID I HAVE A STROKE? EVERYTHING IS TOO MUCH!
Jan 7th
6 notes
December 2011
10 posts
Dec 26th
7 notes
Dec 21st
7 notes
MOMMA GOT A RAISE TODAY.
This is both awesome and a surprise as just Friday I may or may not have accidentally “gone off” on my boss. In other news, somebody gave a beej in the bathroom at our Xmas party.
Dec 21st
We had a presentation today about our benefits....
Now, I’m not the smartest person ever, but I’ve never heard Obamacare used in a sentence that wasn’t derogatory.
Dec 15th
7 notes
I'm going to DENVER in JANUARY.
I feel like… there will be a lot of tacos there? Maybe? I just have a feeling. Somebody correct me if I’m wrong.
Dec 15th
10 notes
I'm about 70% sure I've got a cavity right now,...
In other news, I just realized how long I’ve been living in St. Louis and I still hate the pizza. And the people. The rest of this place is just fucking great though.
Dec 11th
6 notes
I went into work today for an hour and everybody...
That’s because I haven’t slept in two days because my nose is all at once painfully dry and full of snot. And then there’s my throat. And the headaches. I look like a crazy person today. And so I went to Walgreens, asked for anything they had that was behind the counter, and came the fuck home.
Dec 7th
6 notes
Anonymous asked: From Twitter: "Since I just discovered how to view private pics on FB, I'm about to get really weird with it. #andcreepy" Dare I ask how?
Dec 7th
1 tag
Dec 6th
18 notes
WHO WANTS A FUCKING CHRISTMAS CARD?!?!
We’re (the dogs, myself, my boyfriend) taking our Christmas card picture tomorrow. WHO WOULD LIKE TO HAVE ONE IN THEIR MAILBOX?! I WILL NEED YOUR ADDRESS. DUH.
Dec 5th
16 notes
November 2011
7 posts
Anonymous asked: Broke up over what?
Nov 20th
10 notes
Boyfriend and I broke up for an hour today. I...
Once we talked it out, I then ate, like, $15 worth of sushi and some chocolate covered popcorn and like god-fucking-knows what else.  It’s like the vikings came in, raped and pillaged my feelings, and then put things back to normal.
Nov 20th
Nov 19th
13 notes
Nov 16th
Since I'm staying home from work sick, I'm just...
LOVE ME.
Nov 7th
8 notes
Nov 6th
So my mom texts me this morning to ask if I knew...
My first thought was, “Oh Tom Jones? Must be dead from some sort of Darwin Awards worthy cause. That kid was a real moron.” I remember him because he lived up the street from us in elementary school. So I google him. Turns out he’s not dead- he’s a pitcher with THE FUCKING YANKEES now. Turns out he was a total moron who is beating me at life right now. Thanks for bringing...
Nov 5th
October 2011
13 posts
Oct 30th
1 tag
Remember Tumblr Secret Santa and how my Secret...
Oct 30th
11 notes
Today at work, some fuck wad decided to be a fuck...
This is how you get to be a good social media manager.
Oct 28th
4 notes
Oct 22nd
13 notes
Embarrassing "I thought we were going to shake...
I’ve been a referring machine lately. Like two people I met at the dog park are interviewing at my work this week. Granted, I know more about their dogs than I know about them. One of the guys comes in today for his interview and I walk to up greet him. As I extend my right hand for a hand shake, which is what normal strangers do, he hugs me. I mustered half of a one armed hug while saying...
Oct 20th
7 notes
365daysofmichellesm asked: YOU'RE ABSENCE ON MY DASHBOARD MAKES ME SAD!
Oct 18th
2 tags
Apparently the Cardinals are in the world series....
Oct 17th
To celebrate fucking up my first freelance...
Who hires somebody to write a white paper that turns into a graphic design intensive product brochure? WHO?!
Oct 14th
8 notes
I'm going on a almost sorda double date tomorrow...
See, at first I just thought I was buying his extra ticket with one of my friend/co-workers. Then I found out the tickets are all together. Then my friend backed out. Then, faced with the chance that I might go to a show with just my boss and his wife, I pulled the “take one for the team” card on my boyfriend. And now we’re all going to a show together. The only thing that could...
Oct 8th