January 2012
24 posts
Guys, I dated a guy who wore a Livestrong...
One time, at work, I brought in cookies. Everybody...
And I did make them. Only they came in a bag and I just added the eggs and water. And then baked them. So did I really “make them”? I don’t know. But I’m living a lie.
2 tags
Whoever invented this cake in a mug thing... holy...
2 tags
Get black out drunk every time Obama makes a joke...
I can't fly anymore. I almost pooped my pants...
I also need to stop googling “what seat is best to survive a plane crash?” when my seat is already assigned.
I'm not the only person who feels, like, the best...
1 tag
If I had to name just one thing I love about me,...
My colon knows its job.
I just took the most epic nap of my entire life....
I may as well have been blackout drunk or something.
1 tag
What's a non creepy way to say, "hey, ex...
Because maybe I had a mid-life crisis my senior year of college and just totally dicked this guy over three ways to Sunday. But he was nice! And I apologized for ever yelling at him “you’re not my dad!” when he tried to hold my hair back as I puked.
I MISSED YOU TUMBLR. CAN I COME BACK? I CAME BACK....
Let's all have a moment of silence to think about...
1 tag
So I just found out this Friday was going to be my...
My mom’s flying me home on Friday for the funeral and in the mean time, I’m sitting on my couch watching Teen Mom and doing work from home.
At least I have queso. And fritos.
Let this be a lesson to you: anytime you leave...
This time, it’s my grandpa. And I know everybody has to go through this sometime, but I just can’t. I’ve grieved all I can grieve. I am still grieving. I have no more grieving left to give. This time I’ll feel nothing.
I’m supposed to get 3 days off work for a death in the family, but I can’t. I can’t not do work. I don’t have the time to not do...
Not pooping before work is like... anxiety code...
What if I have to poop at work? What if somebody comes to check on me? What if it won’t go down?
OH THE POSSIBILITIES.
1 tag
This is the story of a girl and a block of...
Last night, I made my first gay couple friends in...
They came over for lasagna and drinking games. And then my co-worker’s boyfriend (did I mention one of them is a co-worker?) and my boyfriend ran off to the gay bar until 3am while we went to sleep like high school kids.
Can’t wait to talk about this at the water cooler. Except there’s no water cooler, so I really mean through email.
I think I'd find pizza commercials more appealing...
1 tag
I'd be better at Tumblr-ing while working if I...
Oh you want me to do what? Some report? BIGGEST SIGH EVER, HANG ON. MY EYE IS TWITCHING. DID I HAVE A STROKE? EVERYTHING IS TOO MUCH!
December 2011
10 posts
MOMMA GOT A RAISE TODAY.
This is both awesome and a surprise as just Friday I may or may not have accidentally “gone off” on my boss.
In other news, somebody gave a beej in the bathroom at our Xmas party.
We had a presentation today about our benefits....
Now, I’m not the smartest person ever, but I’ve never heard Obamacare used in a sentence that wasn’t derogatory.
I'm going to DENVER in JANUARY.
I feel like… there will be a lot of tacos there? Maybe?
I just have a feeling. Somebody correct me if I’m wrong.
I'm about 70% sure I've got a cavity right now,...
In other news, I just realized how long I’ve been living in St. Louis and I still hate the pizza. And the people. The rest of this place is just fucking great though.
I went into work today for an hour and everybody...
That’s because I haven’t slept in two days because my nose is all at once painfully dry and full of snot. And then there’s my throat. And the headaches.
I look like a crazy person today. And so I went to Walgreens, asked for anything they had that was behind the counter, and came the fuck home.
Anonymous asked: From Twitter: "Since I just discovered how to view private pics on FB, I'm about to get really weird with it. #andcreepy" Dare I ask how?
1 tag
WHO WANTS A FUCKING CHRISTMAS CARD?!?!
We’re (the dogs, myself, my boyfriend) taking our Christmas card picture tomorrow.
WHO WOULD LIKE TO HAVE ONE IN THEIR MAILBOX?! I WILL NEED YOUR ADDRESS. DUH.
November 2011
7 posts
Anonymous asked: Broke up over what?
Boyfriend and I broke up for an hour today. I...
Once we talked it out, I then ate, like, $15 worth of sushi and some chocolate covered popcorn and like god-fucking-knows what else.
It’s like the vikings came in, raped and pillaged my feelings, and then put things back to normal.
Since I'm staying home from work sick, I'm just...
LOVE ME.
So my mom texts me this morning to ask if I knew...
My first thought was, “Oh Tom Jones? Must be dead from some sort of Darwin Awards worthy cause. That kid was a real moron.” I remember him because he lived up the street from us in elementary school.
So I google him. Turns out he’s not dead- he’s a pitcher with THE FUCKING YANKEES now. Turns out he was a total moron who is beating me at life right now.
Thanks for bringing...
October 2011
13 posts
1 tag
Remember Tumblr Secret Santa and how my Secret...
Today at work, some fuck wad decided to be a fuck...
This is how you get to be a good social media manager.
Embarrassing "I thought we were going to shake...
I’ve been a referring machine lately. Like two people I met at the dog park are interviewing at my work this week. Granted, I know more about their dogs than I know about them.
One of the guys comes in today for his interview and I walk to up greet him. As I extend my right hand for a hand shake, which is what normal strangers do, he hugs me. I mustered half of a one armed hug while saying...
365daysofmichellesm asked: YOU'RE ABSENCE ON MY DASHBOARD MAKES ME SAD!
2 tags
Apparently the Cardinals are in the world series....
To celebrate fucking up my first freelance...
Who hires somebody to write a white paper that turns into a graphic design intensive product brochure? WHO?!
I'm going on a almost sorda double date tomorrow...
See, at first I just thought I was buying his extra ticket with one of my friend/co-workers. Then I found out the tickets are all together. Then my friend backed out. Then, faced with the chance that I might go to a show with just my boss and his wife, I pulled the “take one for the team” card on my boyfriend. And now we’re all going to a show together.
The only thing that could...